Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go

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Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go | Little Miss Fearless

Hi, I’m Mandy, sweeter than candy.
It began in the 8th grade. As the youngest of five, I had always set high expectations for myself. Be cool enough, be successful, don’t be annoying, don’t embarrass anyone and figure out how to make everyone like you.
With the surge of blonde pop stars the year before, I was sure I had found the direction I needed to reach all these goals.
She seemed perfect. We shared the same name, all I had to do was convince people to start calling me Mandy for short (I regretfully emailed my friends asking that they do so), look like her and act like her, and no one would ever dislike me.
I remember snapping photos of her “Candy” music video when it came on The BOX (the free version of MTV’s Total Request Live). I took the photos to my mom’s hairdresser and became blonder overnight. I even got her same haircut, but it didn’t look quite the same on me (honestly, worst haircut I’ve ever had, but at the time I was obsessed).
I showed up the next day at school expecting people to immediately tell me I looked like her. I got lots of comments, most of them validating my efforts. My band teacher pointed me out in class that day saying, “Something’s different about you.” I remember his attempt to connect with pop culture when he said I looked like “that girl who sings the ‘Love You Forever’ song.” He was referring to Jessica Simpson, and I was crushed.
Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go | Little Miss Fearless
Keeping up with appearances.
The next year of my life would be dedicated to perfecting my appearance to the degree I could control it. I mean, I had braces, I didn’t make my own money, so I had to get creative. Makeup was key for getting Mandy’s flawless complexion and a small mole on my cheek. As often as possible, wearing green khaki pants and a red tank (with a ribbon tied on my arm after school) made it easy to envision myself in her skin.
I spent a lot of time in my room, lip syncing in the mirror to Candy, I Wanna Be With You and other Mandy Moore songs, convincing myself I was getting close to looking just like her.
Keep in mind, social media didn’t exist back then. Celebs were even difficult to find on the Internet, so my access to Mandy Moore content was limited to her music videos, TV interviews (if I was lucky enough to catch them) and the photos inside her album covers. Not exactly an accurate depiction of who someone is in real-life social situations… especially someone you’re modeling yourself after.
Eventually, the time and energy I was investing into pretending and perfecting caught up to me. I couldn’t keep up with the mental demand it required, let alone all the sleep I was sacrificing when I’d plan out every detail of every day just so I could be sure to behave in accordance with how I wanted to be seen. It was exhausting. I was hustling for my worthiness and the adoration I craved from my peers.
 Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go | Little Miss Fearless
Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. 
The idea that I needed to be like and look like someone other than myself to be good enough, cool enough, pretty enough, liked enough, accepted enough, began to creep into my mind and solidify its existence for years to come.
I didn’t know at the time that that idea, that belief, was perfectionism.
According to my favorite researcher/storyteller, Brené Brown, “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement and shame. It’s a shield.”
From that time forward I carried that shield.
Anytime I felt any sort of rejection, I would tell myself it wouldn’t have happened if I looked like Mandy Moore because no one is mean to someone that perfect.
If a friend made fun of my unevenly applied makeup, I would instantly feel shame. If I heard someone talking about how awesome or beautiful someone else was, I’d feel shame for not being the one they were talking about.
Shame can be triggered differently in each of us, but it is defined by Brené Brown as:
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. It’s the fear of not being good enough.”
The idea that I was flawed and unworthy of love and belonging grew to destroy me inside.
Perhaps the irony in all of this is that Mandy Moore didn’t even like her “blonde hair phase.” She was recently quoted in Us Magazine saying,
“I look at anything [from] when I’m a blonde, and I shudder a little bit to myself. I know it’s not terrible, and it was very of-the-moment, but it’s so not me. It seems so like a completely different person.”
Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go | Little Miss Fearless
There is no courage without fear.
Several years later, and throughout different stages of my life, this perfectionism habit repeated itself. I’d be influenced by someone’s perceived appearance of perfection, try to be like them, and instantly believe I was worthless when I’d continually come up short. Settling into the reality of my flawed, imperfect self was a disappointment unlike any other.
We are biologically wired to find the easy way to do things, however, my “shortcuts” through perfectionism as an attempt to find my self-worth were ironically not easy at all.
Why couldn’t I have taken the true easier road and just accepted myself the way I was? Would it have actually been easier to be vulnerable? Could I have found myself sooner? Would I have experienced more joy, faith, confidence and purpose? Maybe. And maybe it would have led me down a completely different path than the one I’m currently on.
Either way, I struggled, and I’m here now.
Frankly, I don’t see how I could have discovered my passion for helping others to let go of their fears of imperfection and find the courage to be their authentic best selves, had I not experienced the pain of shame, perfectionism and unworthiness firsthand — and not just once — I’ve lived it for decades.
I’m learning that it’s a daily practice, a choice of thoughts, and it’s not always comfortable.
Shame, Perfectionism, Unworthiness: Let It All Go | Little Miss Fearless
Letting go of comfort.
So today, I am letting it all go and encouraging you to join me.
It’s time to do what’s right, not what’s easy. It’s time to build our character, not our ego. It’s time to let go of who we think we’re supposed to be in order to feel loved by and connected to others.
I’m still figuring it all out, too. But I do know this: A beautiful thing happens when we talk about our shame — it loses it’s power over us.
Won’t you join me?
Over the coming months, I’ll be sharing more about my journey, the strategies I’m learning and practicing, and how I’m creating a life that’s as courageous as I am. We’ll talk about the various components of perfectionism as it relates to our self-talk, how we dress, body image, fitness and motherhood. And I’ll share changes I’m making in my life to find more peace, self-confidence, purpose and harmony.
Thanks for sticking with me on this bumpy and imperfect road. If this is your first visit here, I hope you’ll keep coming back.
I can’t wait to share more, and in the meantime, if you’re not already singing this tune from Frozen, let me walk you out to the sound of my fight song.
Amanda

Comments

  1. I love this little prose. It’s such an important reminder to jump out of the comfort zone!

    Looking forward to more on your journey! 🙂

    Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
    http://charmainenyw.com

    Posted October 15, 2017 | Reply
  2. Georgina says:

    Wow this is so so important!

    I am working currently with brides, doing their fittings and getting there dresses sorted for their big day.
    There are two types of women, one who love the dress and feel amazing, and the second who are just looking for flaws, thinking ‘the dress will look better when I have just lost a little more weight’.
    The way women feel has NOTHING to do with their dress size, dress price, looks, or anything, but how they feel about themselves.
    If we are always comparing ourselves to some distant idea of perfection we will never be happy, but if you realise that being happy with ourselves has nothing actually to do with our, size, hight, age, finances, following (insert any word here), it becomes freeing because we can be happy with how we are now.

    Its something some women are born with, but is something that we can cultivate by working on ourselves! I cannot wait to here more of your journey and how you get on!

    This is amazing good luck!!

    http://www.georginahart.co.uk
    https://www.bloglovin.com/blogs/georgina-hart-14234891

    Posted October 15, 2017 | Reply
    • Georgina! Thank you for your perspective and for sharing those powerful reminders. I have definitely come to realize this myself. I only wish it could have happened sooner. But I’m excited to help the women you described in category 2–we all deserve to know that our self worth doesn’t come from our appearance. We deserve to feel self-love and acceptance.

      Thanks so much for reading!

      Posted October 18, 2017 | Reply
  3. Jessica says:

    Wow, thanks for sharing, I really needed to read this this morning. I am in the same place, hitting 40 and finally figuring out who I am, what I like, not what others perceive me to be is truly hard and eye opening. I can’t wait to read more.

    Posted October 18, 2017 | Reply
    • Hi Jessica! Thanks for sharing with me. I can so relate. It’s never too late to figure out who we are and there’s so much good we can spread in the world once we know and accept our whole selves.

      Looking forward to more of your feedback as my story unfolds. Thanks for following along.

      Posted October 18, 2017 | Reply
  4. Dawn Howard says:

    THANK YOU! 🙂 I think you speak for a lot of “teenage girls” from back in this era. THANK YOU!

    Posted October 19, 2017 | Reply
    • Thank you so much for reading it! I for sure thought I was the only one dealing with it at the time, but I know there have to have been others. Between that and boy bands it was such an interesting time to grow up. 😉

      Posted October 21, 2017 | Reply
  5. Nikki says:

    I see that this was posted 2 years ago but I had to comment because I need to hear this exact story! I have been doing personal development and working on perfectionism, shame and letting go of the past for awhile. Your story really resonated with me and the way your wrote this just made something click. Can’t wait to dive into more on your site. All the best to you!

    Posted October 22, 2019 | Reply